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 It Can't Happen Here Redux
 (with gratitude to Sinclair Lewis and Jonathan Swift)

I've been sitting here in my lazy boy watching Operation Iraqi Freedom on television, and I have gathered some thoughts on the matter.

I have always been proud to be part of the "greatest experiment" of democracy that our world has ever known. As an American, I feel entitled to a certain right to arrogance about our freedoms, our culture, and our way of life. After all, we have greater freedom than the people of any other country in the world. That's why I support President Bush's decision to attack dastardly Iraq with their weapons of mass destruction. After all, we don't have any of those, do we? Mind you, the Japanese might not say the same, but all that discussion about Hiroshima and Nagasaki is just so much sour grapes.

Besides, we make rational decisions about whom to attack and when; why, just ask the Chileans about Mr. Allende. Well, he was a Communist, and any government is better than Communism, right? Just ask the Germans if you don't believe me. It was Adolf Hitler's promise to end Communism, and of course Jewish oppression that accompanies it, which allowed him to rise to power. After all, Karl Marx was a Jew and a Communist. Who knows where all that parceling up of land and destruction of class distinctions may lead? We love everyone in America, as long as they know their place. And we love the Jews, as long as they stand by our side against Communist terrorists, Muslim terrorists, and every kind of terrorist that might drive our gas prices up, and impede our God-given right to drive SUVs two at a time.

By the same token, ours is a country in which we need not question our leaders, because our leaders are firmly held in check by the Constitution, which binds the power to declare war firmly to the Congress. That way, the President may not lead any lone charges of glory. Oh well, what's that you tell me? The Congress abrogated that privilege for the first time in history by giving it to the President? Hmm, I'm sure that they know what they're doing. The ACLU is just a bunch of liberal soreheads for protesting that action. How do they know what's unconstitutional anyway? They didn't write it.

Still, we can trust that even if our leaders are wrong, we have the right to protest their actions. The Constitution guarantees this right, as well as the right to a fair trial. What are you telling me? A man was arrested in Upstate New York for wearing a "Peace" t-shirt? I'm sure there's more to the story. Protesters have been arrested at every major demonstration for disturbing the peace? Well, they probably were. Look at what a hullabaloo the Civil Rights movement caused. Like President Bush's fellow party member said at Strom Thurmond's birthday, we wouldn't have all this unpleasantness now if it weren't for a few agitators. I think it's pretty un-American to protest while our boys and gals are over there suffering for our safety. After all, if it weren't for all those protesters during Vietnam, we would've won that war. The Constitution may say it's okay to protest, but I'm sure this kind of civil disobedience isn't what the Founding Fathers had in mind.

As far as the fair trial goes, well, come on. We're hunting wabbits! I mean, terrorists! If a few innocents die in jail, well, that's unfortunate. But we must have locked them up for a reason. Habeas corpus and all. I mean, this IS America. It can't happen here.

In the words of one great American hero, "For the first time in all history, a great nation must go on arming itself more and more, not for conquest or for jealousy, but for peace," and I tend to believe it. You think that he's related to that fella in Vietnam combat who said that we had to "destroy the village to save it"?

All I know is, I am glad to belong to the most enlightened, most Christian, most loyal country in the world. Sure is a shame about those innocent people in Iraq, but if they were all that innocent, wouldn't they get up and move to one of our traditional allied nations, like Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, or even a country we've always held dear like England? And all this talk about our government building up Saddam to fight Iran and the Ayatollah is just that, talk. If it ever happened, Dan Rather would've told me about it. Or at the very least, I would have seen it on Oprah.

Well, I'm not very fond of Dan Rather these days anyway. What business does he have interviewing Saddam? So what if Iraq says they're not connected to Al-Quaeda terrorists? Can't we recognize a rat when we see one? We've been doing a great job up until now. For that matter, I'm not sure why Dan Rather isn't behind bars. All this namby-pamby "freedom of press" nonsense. I believe my President; I trust my President. And if the President says Saddam Hussein is a horse, well then, damn it, he is. I don't see why we should listen to the United Nations. None of those other countries could kick our ass in a fight. So what if they hate us? Lot's of great leaders have withdrawn from the United Nations or League of Nations, or whatever. That Dan Rather should know better. He's a Texan.

All I've got to say is "God bless the U.S.A." Anyway, those Americans who don't agree, we can ship them off to Iraq, in a body bag.

Now that's something I'd like to watch on television.

April 2003

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