In an unprecendented show of solidarity, the holiday writers for the so-called "big three" - Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa - walked off the job today for an indefinite period of time. When asked what brought about the strike, the answers were varied, but chief among the strikers' concerns were lack of residuals from so-called "re-gifting" of holiday cards and gifts along with other spiraling unregulated holiday traditions.

Stated Christmas holiday striker, Mr. John Luke Paul, "They keep moving the holiday back. This year it started in September. Nobody can be expected to do that much work without proper compensation. What's next year? Christmas starting in March? We just can't keep up with the demand. By comparison, Santa's got it easy with one project and one deadline a year." A Hanukkah writer, who preferred to remain anonymous, commented, "It's like they're trying to get eight days of writing for the price of one. What do they expect? A miracle?"

The Kwanzaa holiday strikers could not be found for comment. Nor, indeed, could anyone celebrating Kwanzaa this year...or really any year since 1976.

In an attempt to keep the holiday spirit going, the networks have teamed up to provide American viewers with the kind of programming they really crave this time of year - Holiday Reality TV.

CBS is providing viewers with Survivor: Glendale Galleria Mall, California. Teams of shoppers are expected to navigate such challenges as the "find the parking spot scramble," the "first in line to the just opened register dash," and the "last item on sale tug of war" in the Coach bin.

Not to be outdone, NBC is offering up The Amazing SIG Alert Special to see which shoppers can end up in the most SIG-Alerts around shopping areas in the week preceeding Christmas. Bonus points will be given to contestants who can do so witout using the 405 or designated areas around airports.

In the true spirit of Christmas, ABC offers Extreme Makeover: The Me Edition in which thousands of shoppers focus on what really matters at this time of year - themselves. From salons to spas to specialty boutiques, these Extreme Makeoverees will charge up their credit cards in a quest to rack up the most interest - without defaulting on their cards. Winners will be given a pro bono bankruptcy lawyer.

Taking a page from Wal-Mart's successful playbook, certain cable networks have asked the elderly (and producers) to work for free, writing a few new scripts until the striking writers return. We think that's just swell by golly! Season's Greetings!

December 2007

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