In a recent column on SI.com, Jeffri Chadiha argued that the Nicollette Sheridan-Terrell Owens controversy was the result of racism. Americans just didn’t want to see a blonde, white woman drop her towel and jump into the arms of a highly paid, successful black man.

In a word, HOGWASH! Race had nothing to do with it. If she would have dropped a towel and jumped into Brett Favre’s arms, trust me, the conservatives would be just as upset. But let me also add this little tidbit: Favre never would have done it.

This controversy is not about race; it’s about class. No, not economic or social class, class in the sense of “manners,” “etiquette,” “dignity,” and “respect.” Now, gentle reader, you must pardon me for being so quaint, so old-fashioned. I know many of you are rolling your liberal eyes with disgust that I should use such language. But I also know that there are a slim few of you reading this piece who have crossed your arms and are nodding in approval. And no, the nodders don’t all live in the red states.

How do I know this controversy is not about race? First of all, the moment was completely, obviously, ridiculously scripted. No one believes that Nicollette was even naked to begin with. Please, we all think she was in a strapless body suit or some such contraption. Whether she was or wasn’t isn’t irrelevant. We believe she was. My point is this: the issue isn’t “real” in that sense. Pasting real world racial issues on this incident smacks ridiculous to me.

Further, viewers understand that ABC pulled this stunt to promote their new series Desperate Housewives. By that, I don’t just mean the obvious purpose of the skit in terms of advertising. I am talking about the controversy ABC knew they would generate, showing such a scene during Monday Night Football, the free publicity that results from generating a controversy. In this case, intentionally so. Using a blonde female and a black male was another layer in their nefarious “generate-a-controversy” publicity stunt. Obviously so.

Which brings me to my message to conservatives, especially Christian conservatives. DON’T GO FOR THE BAIT. If you want to stop this kind of stunt. If it morally offends you to watch these things and to have your kids watch these things, then fall silent after you see them. You heard me, not a peep. It never happened. It was invisible. You must have been in the bathroom at that moment. If the network can’t make money off their antics, trust me, they won’t pull them anymore. Likewise, don’t watch the show that was promoted. Once the ratings fall, the show gets cancelled. Then executives and producers are left scrambling to find what does sell. Say, The Incredibles or The Passion of the Christ, for example.

Now, Conservatives, I know that you know that this was all a contrived publicity stunt, but even knowing that you still went berserk. Just ignore it. Take your children in your arms and explain all the moral vicissitudes of the issue, but don’t utter a peep outside of your household. Your children will have learned a bundle, and you will have killed the financial motive for such ridiculous shenanigans.

Which brings me back to my central issue: class. When networks, actors, and athletes decide to do anything, and I mean anything, for fame and money, they reap their own karmic retribution. To blame this incident on the racism of America is to deeply, darkly misunderstand the the mainstream American mentality. A classless act in itself. We don’t care if a white woman hugged a black man, the act was so contrived we don’t even have the time to consider such a thing. We aren’t even genuinely shocked by the moment itself. Again, we understand it was a trick to promote a television show. What we object to are the following points: first, we despise the blatant material, sexual manipulation of our sensibilities; second, we resent the fact that ABC believes we are so dumb that we don’t even know we’re being manipulated; third, we genuinely abhor, despite the sarcastic dismissal of such a reality by writers like Chadiha, the fact that our children, who are not old enough or wise enough to see the realities behind this stunt, were exposed to such immoral, irresponsible behavior as a groupie girl, in the skit’s mentality, throwing herself at a professional athlete.

I only have one word to describe ABC’s publicity prostitution, and you know me well enough by now to know exactly what it is. You guessed it: classless.

December 2004